fissionmailed | IT HAS BEEN TOO LONG.

[Solid Snake was not shocked by the sudden arrival of the madman and dictator Vermon CaTaffy. To Halley, and to the rest of the world, it always felt like CaTaffy had never left.

Dropping into a stance reminiscent of a tiger about to pounce, Halley considered drawing his Baretta, but decided it wouldn't be a fitting end to this. A bullet in CaTaffy's brain would be too simple, dispassionate! A man like this evil killer needed a personal death!

Solid Snake let out a lion's snarl.]

You came for me, Colonel.

I've been waiting for so long for this.

I never thought of anything else besides you.

[CaTaffy spun around on his heel with great flourish to see the young Snake Man, already poised to strike in the traditional Marine Corps manner. Why, he wouldn't have it any other way!

Still, he had to laugh at the young captain, bristling with such energy but still in need of refinement, education... discipline. CaTaffy would make a man of this boy before defeating him utterly, as it was always meant to be.]

Ha! And you, Captain Halley! From the shadows I watched you, waiting, transfixed on your every movement. Nothing escaped my gaze! I know more about you than you yourself!

Do you think you can defeat me this time?

[So he had been right, Halley realised. He hadn't imagined that sensation of being watched at rest, being observed dressed or naked, alone or with company; there was nothing misguided about all the nights he spent awake, knowing with every part of his soul that if he fell asleep CaTaffy would know.

He understood, then. CaTaffy did belong to him. CaTaffy had given himself to him.

He stared deep into CaTaffy's dark eyes.]

I don't think I can defeat you, Colonel.

I know I can.

[Locked with the younger man's gaze, CaTaffy felt the force of Halley's panther-like ferocity, the same skillful Marine who had momentarily bested him in Outer Heaven. He had longed for this moment: for an eternity he had stood so close so as to reach out and touch the young captain, but now, finally, was the time for them to lock limbs as men and battle fiercely for dominance.

Col. Vermon CaTaffy took a step back, spreading his arms wide.]

Come at me, then, Snake Man! Gwahahaha!

[Halley wanted nothing more than to finally conquer CaTaffy once and for all, but his instincts warned him that neither of them were yet ready.]

Let's do this for real.

[His hands went to the buckles of the holster on his leg, and he slid the gun aside. Then, to prove he had no further concealed weapons, he tore off his shirt and tossed it into a corner. Bare-chested and unarmed, he raised his fists.]

No weapons. No distractions. No traps.

Just us, like jaguars over territory.

[

APPROPRIATE MUSIC

(http://www.imeem.com/)

Europe - The Final Countdown (http://www.imeem.com/people/Fl7LFT8/music/I9EhR7UH/the_final_countdown_europe/)]

[CaTaffy was impressed. Of course, he should have known better than to assume the shock of his return would unbalance a fighter so committed, so devoted as Captain Halley. They had both prepared for an eternity for this moment, each of them exploring every possible scenario in their minds.

CaTaffy looked over Halley's smooth and muscular chest, the chest of a still all but virginal, young little Marine. But not so untested: CaTaffy saw the circular scar on Halley's shoulder, which CaTaffy himself had so lovingly bestowed upon him in their last encounter.

Colonel Vermon CaTaffy moved a hand to his own side holster and removed his pistol, just as the Snake Man had done. Laying this aside, CaTaffy then proceeded to remove the rest of his trifling few accessories: the switchblade stashed in his boot, the derringers hidden up both sleeves, the four smoke bombs, six poison darts, the plastic explosives, the liquid explosives, the other knife, and the other other knife.

This done, his fingers went to the buttons of his crisp, finely pressed fatigues. But he paused, lifting an eyebrow at the younger Halley. Was this, indeed, the place for this? Should they not relocate somewhere more... private, for what they were about to do? For what he was planning, he would prefer no interruptions, until Justin Halley was at the very least unconscious beneath him.

No, surely he was only being self-conscious. What did it matter who saw?]

Without question, I admire your convictions as my own, Captain.

[Foregoing the buttons of his fatigues, he gripped with both hands at his shirt and tore it open, revealing a glorious, broad chest seasoned with the scars of battle. He tossed this ruined garment aside along with Halley's and flexed his wrists, moving into the well-practiced karate stance of the Leaning Snow Leopard.]

Now, Halley. Unleash everything you have at me! Everything you've stored up from those years of waiting!

Come at me!

[In Halley's mind, he was nowhere; everything around him no longer existed. Only the crazed accellerando of his own heartbeat sounding through his body reminded him that he himself was there. The only thing that he was sure was there was CaTaffy. He was unable to take his eyes off the lattice of scars that made up CaTaffy's chest, carved into a perfection that made the hairs stand up on the back of Halley's neck. How good it would feel to touch when he'd pinned CaTaffy down under him, how strong and unbeatable - when he, Solid Snake, topped him for good.

His muscles sleek as a panther, Halley bowed his head and raced towards CaTaffy in a vicious charge, yelling with primal, animal energy. The very same energy he would use to bring CaTaffy to a glorious, screaming end - again and again - ]

[WE INTERRUPT YOUR REGULAR SCHEDULED SNAKE MAN EPIC BARECHESTED FIGHTING FOR THE IMAGE OF A CONCERNED TRAINED KILLER SCORPION

THAT IS RIGHT NOW POSITIONING HIMSELF BETWEEN HALLEY AND CATAFFY.

AND GROWLS AT THE FORMER. IN SCORPIONESE.]

[Colonel Vermon CaTaffy stopped cold in mid-charge, discovering his precious battle scorpion had intervened between them!]

Muffy! Bad girl! Do not deny your master the passions of his ~~loins~~ fists! Why are you--

[He fell silent as she warbled to him in her elegant arachnoid speech, the subtle vowels of an ancient invertebrate predator which saw far further than the eyes of man. And tragically, what Muffy had to say was terribly embarrassing.]

Don't be ridiculous. Of course I can take him!

[Warble warble.]

I am as perfectly fit as I ever was!

[Warble.]

...

[She did cut so close to the bone sometimes, his dear pet.

CaTaffy's shoulders sagged. He knew there was no way his precious scorpion would permit him to fight now. He stepped forward and stroked the bare side of her shivering stinger, calming and reassuring her.

Beyond her, he saw Halley, no doubt as clueless and deprived as a day-old kitten denied his mother's nipple. Oh, how it pained CaTaffy to deny him, but the prospect of domination was, indeed, too worrisome to ignore.]

Your pride as a man is spared another day, Solid Snake! You may thank Muffy for requesting that I show your tender flesh such mercy.

[He was not that out of shape, damn it all...]

[Justin cursed in a language so obscure that no nine-year-old Nintendo-loving child would ever be understood if they used it. He had been foiled by a scorpion, a chitinous mutant killer!

He snarled at it, and started to leave, pulling on his shirt. He allowed himself one last lingering look over his shoulder at CaTaffy, and felt his heart sink with the pain of crushed desire.]

I'll be back for you... CaTaffy.

[His voice was husky with sorrow and anger as he spoke, before he slipped out the door.]

[THE TRAINED KILLER SCORPIONS SCORPION SENSES ARE TINGLING.]

[Its master arrived. It holds its poisonous sting in high position at the sight of Justin Halley and Vermon Cataffy as it scuttles over to its BELOVED MASTER OF ABSOLUTE EVIL, THE MOST FEARED TERRORIST IN THE WHOLE WORLD, VERMON CATAFFY.]

[CaTaffy's eyes light up at the sight of his precious TRAINED KILLER SCORPION. How he missed his fleet of attack arachnids, which he had bred and raised himself!

He could tell by her stinger just which one she was, too. His most faithful and loyal pet-- little wonder that she would still be waiting for him all this time. CaTaffy extended a hand to stroke one of her massive, diamond-hard claws.]

Muffy, my dear! You've been a good girl, haven't you?

[Oh my! Colonel CaTaffy had not forgotten about her! ♥ Days, weeks and MONTHS Muffy had waited for the return of her master.]

[She begins to wag her tail and purr in ~~evil~~ excitement at the touch and sight of her beloved Colonel.]

[CaTaffy stroked Muffy's exoskeleton lovingly, delighting in her strange, affectionate purrs. And to think, he had worried she had perished in the desert thanks to that confounding young rogue Halley and his rocket launcher!]

My dear girl. No incidents, I hope? And you've been cleaning up after your meals? Let's see if we can find a kitten for you to feed on...

"Like jungle predators?" My, you must have missed him greatly to describe it like that.

[Keep in mind that Pain's used to using over-the-top euphemisms for disguising inter-unit relationships as rivalries: the mind-1900s were a dangerous place for bisexuals covered in ~~beeeeees~~ hornets. And this place has lead him to reguard most enemy relationships as being softer than they appear.]

You, sir, should not belittle the intense, honorable relationship between two soldiers. Halley himself will tell you how painfully and yet devotedly he awaited my return--

[CaTaffy stops to marvel at this creature before him. Was this man actually covered in ~~beeeeeees~~ hornets? Why, how brilliant! This was exactly the kind of ingenuity CaTaffy would need in building his new Outer Heaven, if and when such a marvelous venture could be undertaken.

He should... get to know this man.]

Excuse me; I spoke too harshly. Could you perhaps tell me something about that splendid animal defense system you appear to be wearing?

Oh, I must apologize if that sounded patronizing. It is simply that I've never heard someone during their first minutes here call for another soldier so passionately. I must admit, I admire such a bond.

[He tilts his head.]

Ah, the hornets? What would you like to know about them? To tell you everything would take hours, but the basics are that they are giant Asian hornets and I can control them.

[He waves his hand and they spin into body armor around his arm, and as they leave a Tommy gun rests in his hand.]

They are much more intelligent than the average hive as well.

Ours is a bond most rare, you are quite right. Naturally, however, neither of us will see peace until the other is flat on his back. That's just the kind of men we are.

[Studies the hornets in their graceful, sweeping swarm.]

And how are they against rocket launchers?

Ah, I see. An elegant game of cat and mouse that will only end with one on top of the other's body, victorious in conquest.

[He spins a hole in the swarm.]

As long as it isn't on fire and has a small blast radius, they won't be injured. And once they start stinging, they won't stop until the shooter is dead.

Exactly right! So few understand another man's passion. Of course, in my and Captain Halley's case, it may take several pinnings before we can be completely satisfied. But such is the warrior's heart.

About this fatal stinging barrage: I don't suppose it's possible to train them to sting into unconsciousness or until guards can arrive to capture and place the prisoner in a cell? It isn't that I have a particular aversion to deadly tactics --I am the most feared terrorist in the world, and my methods are by necessity quite vicious, of course-- but I wouldn't want too much harm to befall certain young infiltrating agents until I've had a chance to see to them personally...

Oh, I know what you mean. Sometimes it takes several dozen times for both parties to be satisfied. You should make sure that he's ready, though, else neither of you will be satisfied.

No, they are only lethal. And I'm afraid I'm already in the employ of a peace-keeping group, so I can't really help your terroristic ways.

[He doesn't see CaTaffy as a threat; he doesn't sense the bloodlust of a normal soldier, much less a terrorist leader, and so he doles out advice with ease.]

But since you seem intent on capturing him, I'd suggest knock-out gas or some kind of sleeping pill in his food. You may also want to use tranqs of some sort.

Halley is ready. I know this. I waited until now to appear to ensure that when I did, he would be prepared for all that I had to give him.

[CaTaffy lifted his brow at the term 'peace-keeping group'. For a man so handsomely covered in ~~bees~~ hornets, the Pain didn't strike him as one of your typical U.N. dogs. How disappointing. Maybe he could wrest his attack-insects from him by force... but that seemed unwise. Perhaps there was another way still to draw this man onto the pleasures of international terrorism.

For the moment, however, he had to remain a gentleman.]

Knock-out techniques are always welcome, of course. Particularly with subsequent capture and the tying of subjects to beds with blindfolds over their eyes... Personally, of course, I much prefer Halley to come at me with full strength. For the added excitement it brings, you see.

Aha, you were waiting in order to enhance the experience for both of you. Clever idea. I hope your reunion is sweet.

[He tilts his head; was that a flicker of malice?]

Mmm, I agree; its better that the first few times are freeform before you start tying people to beds. You could try leading him to you with metaphorical breadcrumbs and then tripping your trap.

[CaTaffy rubs his chin thoughtfully.]

Breadcrumbs... Ingenious! But would that conflict with my plan to have live owls at checkpoints? Perhaps I need to give this further thought.

Incidentally. Are you familiar with any of my imposters who are reportedly running about this place?

No, I mean clues, not actual breadcrumbs. And you have someone who can train owls?

[He smiles widely; End could do that too! Maybe he should talk about employment with this man after all, if only to see if he knew who it was.]

I haven't met a man who looks like you, and I'm afraid I don't know your name, so I can't say if anyone has been claiming to be you. Incidently, I am the Pain of the hall patrol unit.

[And he bows jerkily. He's not mentioning Cobras in case of Evil Cobras. And his Cobra Unit wasn't here, so what was the point? Might as well go all the way, no?]

Ah, clues! Well, naturally. The strategic placement of keycards is in particular one of my favorite hobbies.

Any animal may be trained with enough patience. Likewise it is with men. Even Captain Halley, who may think of himself as a large jungle cat, will soon mewl like a newborn kitten in my hands.

[It struck CaTaffy belatedly that he had been quite rude in not offering the Pain an introduction!]

My sincerest apologies, my good sir. I am Colonel Vermon J.R. CaTaffy III, Esquire, ruler of the country of Nouria, and the most feared terrorist in the modern world-- as some might designate me.

[He dipped into a gentlemanly bow.]

On rare occasions I have been known as 'the Big Boss,' and I was given to understand there was at least one man here who has assumed that name in order to defame me and my accomplishments. Might you know where I could find him or them?

Ah, I see.

Huh, that's quite an unusual na--

[Wait for it.]

[...]

You? Big Boss? What sort of bizarre world are you from? There's at least two of them here, plus dozens of his sons, and none of them look like you.

Oh dear...

[CaTaffy held his forehead, ordering himself to keep patient with this man. This wasn't the first time he'd had to explain this, after all. Although, it never did seem to get any easier.]

I would suggest, first of all, that you not get caught up on appearances. That is neither here nor there. I am interested to hear about these sons of theirs, however. How typical of the overvirile man to take away not just another man's reputation but also overpopulate the playing field with his own successors. I can see I have quite the task ahead of me.

Back to the matter at hand, I assure you I am not the Big Boss, but rather so superior to any such man that any comparison would be frankly irrelevant. It is simply that these scoundrels have claimed authorship to my Outer Heaven, among other accomplishments, and this cannot stand.

Once I have dominated Halley and forced him to succumb to my hand, these Big Bosses and their sons will be next. Oh yes.

[Huh. He seems to have misstepped.]

You may be from sort of alternate universe then. There are female and evil doubles of several people, but they seem to be in the minority. You may just be from the only universe with you as a Big Boss.

And there's actually only three sons; there just happen to be several dozen of one of them running around.

And how are you superior? Big Boss and his sons are quite skilled; may I ask about your training?

[He raises an eyebrow.]

Quite forward, aren't you?

There is a time and a place for subtlety, my friend. When one's reputation is on the line, one can be quite direct.

But you mentioned alternate universes... I don't seem to recall ever having stepped into one, but admittedly I have focused on little other than Halley these past few years. We are, after all, eternally bound to each other, as God and Lucifer, Tom and Jerry. Had he fallen into some alternate space where he was not the real or the only Solid Snake, it sounds possible that the same could have happened with my own legacy.

But that is no matter. There can be only one ruler of Outer Heaven, and I assure you, I am skilled enough!

[He pauses, if just for a moment. Had the Pain met with this imposter personally? What could he know about him?]

...Why, may I ask? What sort of tutelage did the Big Boss you know have?

No, I mean that you were born in an alternate universe. In my universe, there never was a Vermon Cataffy...at least that I knew of. But Big Boss got the title a few months after I left, apparently. Were you ever involved in Operation Snake Eater?

[He tilts his head. These questions sounded odd, he knew, but he had to ask.]

And have you ever heard of the warrior known as the Boss? He trained under her and fought her unit to the death. Did you ever have to do something like that?

I know of no such Operation. However...

Training under a woman?

[Guffaws.]

He couldn't possibly pose any serious threat!

[CaTaffy may notices Pain's eye twitching and his hands clenching into fists. This is because of all the insulting things CaTaffy could have said about the Boss, this one is one of the worst.]

If that is your opinion...

[But he doesn't want to start a fight, so he's leaving. Breaking every bone in CaTaffy's body would be counterproductive and wouldn't make him feel better besides.]

...then we have nothing more to discuss. Good day, sir.

[He turns to leave.]

[CaTaffy watches him leave, puzzled.]

...Hm. I wonder what that was about.

So you're that CaTaffy guy Halley keeps blathering on about.

Can you get him to stop? It's getting real annoying.

If I have my way with him, Halley will be inarticulate for the rest of his days, good sir! I will surely see to that!

Damn straight! Be sure you really pound that tendency out of him. The kid could use it.

Sir, I like the way you think!

IT HAS BEEN TOO LONG.

I'll stop trying to clumsily imitate the prose if you say the word, it's really exhausting

I think we can safely scale it back. Otherwise we'll be here all week.

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EPIC COCKBLOCK DDD:

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OH YES ITS A GIRL PLOTTWISTTTT

I'VE GOT A PINK COLLAR FOR YOU <3

ONE TICKET TO PURGATORY PLZ

Re: ONE TICKET TO PURGATORY PLZ

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late tag is late

Dumb wrong header is dumb. reposted

Don't worry about it

Re: Don't worry about it

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I ADDED ICONS JUST TO EXPRESS CATAFFY'S EXASPERATION.

THIS GIVES ME A WARPED SENSE OF SATISFACTION \o/

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late tag, let's just close this off XD;

Just saw this. <3 <3 <3

LOL NEED TO CHECK THIS EMAIL MORE.

HEE.

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IT HAS BEEN TOO LONG.

I'll stop trying to clumsily imitate the prose if you say the word, it's really exhausting

I think we can safely scale it back. Otherwise we'll be here all week.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

EPIC COCKBLOCK DDD:

no subject

no subject

OH YES ITS A GIRL PLOTTWISTTTT

I'VE GOT A PINK COLLAR FOR YOU <3

ONE TICKET TO PURGATORY PLZ

Re: ONE TICKET TO PURGATORY PLZ

no subject

no subject

no subject

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late tag is late

Dumb wrong header is dumb. *reposted*

Don't worry about it

Re: Don't worry about it

no subject

I ADDED ICONS JUST TO EXPRESS CATAFFY'S EXASPERATION.

THIS GIVES ME A WARPED SENSE OF SATISFACTION \o/

no subject

no subject

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late tag, let's just close this off XD;

Just saw this. <3 <3 <3

LOL NEED TO CHECK THIS EMAIL MORE.

HEE.

no subject

Dumb wrong header is dumb. reposted