fissionmailed | IT HAS BEEN TOO LONG.

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vermoncataffy

IT HAS BEEN TOO LONG.

[From the shadows, where he had been hiding until just the right moment (in this case, 19 years), COLONEL VERMON CATAFFY III, ESQUIRE appears.]

I have come for a man by the name of Halley. Alternatively, any of the several men who I believe have been impersonating me.

Step forth, and let us finish this like jungle predators.

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No, I mean clues, not actual breadcrumbs. And you have someone who can train owls?

[He smiles widely; End could do that too! Maybe he should talk about employment with this man after all, if only to see if he knew who it was.]

I haven't met a man who looks like you, and I'm afraid I don't know your name, so I can't say if anyone has been claiming to be you. Incidently, I am the Pain of the hall patrol unit.

[And he bows jerkily. He's not mentioning Cobras in case of Evil Cobras. And his Cobra Unit wasn't here, so what was the point? Might as well go all the way, no?]

Ah, clues! Well, naturally. The strategic placement of keycards is in particular one of my favorite hobbies.

Any animal may be trained with enough patience. Likewise it is with men. Even Captain Halley, who may think of himself as a large jungle cat, will soon mewl like a newborn kitten in my hands.

[It struck CaTaffy belatedly that he had been quite rude in not offering the Pain an introduction!]

My sincerest apologies, my good sir. I am Colonel Vermon J.R. CaTaffy III, Esquire, ruler of the country of Nouria, and the most feared terrorist in the modern world-- as some might designate me.

[He dipped into a gentlemanly bow.]

On rare occasions I have been known as 'the Big Boss,' and I was given to understand there was at least one man here who has assumed that name in order to defame me and my accomplishments. Might you know where I could find him or them?

Ah, I see.

Huh, that's quite an unusual na--

[Wait for it.]

[...]

You? Big Boss? What sort of bizarre world are you from? There's at least two of them here, plus dozens of his sons, and none of them look like you.

Oh dear...

[CaTaffy held his forehead, ordering himself to keep patient with this man. This wasn't the first time he'd had to explain this, after all. Although, it never did seem to get any easier.]

I would suggest, first of all, that you not get caught up on appearances. That is neither here nor there. I am interested to hear about these sons of theirs, however. How typical of the overvirile man to take away not just another man's reputation but also overpopulate the playing field with his own successors. I can see I have quite the task ahead of me.

Back to the matter at hand, I assure you I am not the Big Boss, but rather so superior to any such man that any comparison would be frankly irrelevant. It is simply that these scoundrels have claimed authorship to my Outer Heaven, among other accomplishments, and this cannot stand.

Once I have dominated Halley and forced him to succumb to my hand, these Big Bosses and their sons will be next. Oh yes.

[Huh. He seems to have misstepped.]

You may be from sort of alternate universe then. There are female and evil doubles of several people, but they seem to be in the minority. You may just be from the only universe with you as a Big Boss.

And there's actually only three sons; there just happen to be several dozen of one of them running around.

And how are you superior? Big Boss and his sons are quite skilled; may I ask about your training?

[He raises an eyebrow.]

Quite forward, aren't you?

There is a time and a place for subtlety, my friend. When one's reputation is on the line, one can be quite direct.

But you mentioned alternate universes... I don't seem to recall ever having stepped into one, but admittedly I have focused on little other than Halley these past few years. We are, after all, eternally bound to each other, as God and Lucifer, Tom and Jerry. Had he fallen into some alternate space where he was not the real or the only Solid Snake, it sounds possible that the same could have happened with my own legacy.

But that is no matter. There can be only one ruler of Outer Heaven, and I assure you, I am skilled enough!

[He pauses, if just for a moment. Had the Pain met with this imposter personally? What could he know about him?]

...Why, may I ask? What sort of tutelage did the Big Boss you know have?

No, I mean that you were born in an alternate universe. In my universe, there never was a Vermon Cataffy...at least that I knew of. But Big Boss got the title a few months after I left, apparently. Were you ever involved in Operation Snake Eater?

[He tilts his head. These questions sounded odd, he knew, but he had to ask.]

And have you ever heard of the warrior known as the Boss? He trained under her and fought her unit to the death. Did you ever have to do something like that?

I know of no such Operation. However...

Training under a woman?

[Guffaws.]

He couldn't possibly pose any serious threat!

[CaTaffy may notices Pain's eye twitching and his hands clenching into fists. This is because of all the insulting things CaTaffy could have said about the Boss, this one is one of the worst.]

If that is your opinion...

[But he doesn't want to start a fight, so he's leaving. Breaking every bone in CaTaffy's body would be counterproductive and wouldn't make him feel better besides.]

...then we have nothing more to discuss. Good day, sir.

[He turns to leave.]

[CaTaffy watches him leave, puzzled.]

...Hm. I wonder what that was about.

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IT HAS BEEN TOO LONG.

Don't worry about it

Re: Don't worry about it

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I ADDED ICONS JUST TO EXPRESS CATAFFY'S EXASPERATION.

THIS GIVES ME A WARPED SENSE OF SATISFACTION \o/

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late tag, let's just close this off XD;