fissionmailed | Q&A Session

Entry tags:

event

Q&A Session

[Oddly enough, part of the Nexus seems to have morphed into stone walls and wooden doors more befitting of a castle than a Nexus building. Those who investigate the change might discover a cantankerous old gnome of a man sitting in one of those rooms.]

[The Magician of Information, Good Magician Humfrey, is not at all pleased to have been summoned away from his castle in Xanth. Now he's stuck in a drearily Mundane world, and will doubtlessly be pestered with Questions now that his challenges have been dismantled.]

[Maybe he'll be able to re-use some older ones...]

[((Humfrey knows the Answer to any Question someone might have, but he might charge a service for answering it or put pun-related challenges in the way of inquiring minds...))]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

A year? Don't be an idiot. I have better things to do than be a dwarf's doorman.

[he tosses his hair] Ah well. I doubt you'd know the answer anyway.

[Absently correcting him] That's gnome to you. And I said "usually". I'll only be here for a few days; charging a year would be pointless.

I have no reason to give something for nothing. Your Question is obviously not worth my time if you give up so quickly.

[Liquid pauses and turns back.] I never said I was giving up.

What do you want, then? Heads on a platter are my standard offering, but I can be more resourceful when necessary.

Hrmph.

[He gets out of his chair and opens a low cupboard to fetch out an empty glass vial.]

One of the earlier bumbling fools broke open a bottle of Sleeping potion; get me more from the Nexus. I don't have time to bother searching myself.

Something to put someone to sleep? Easy enough. It might be in the form of a cupcake or something equally bloody ridiculous, however.

[He takes the vial. There has to be something like that around here.]

[He knows this is a long shot. What are the odds some ancient, doubtlessly perverted creature from another world can tell him what he needs to know?]

First I need to know if this is even worth bothering with. Is it within your power to tell me how to change my fate, or if it even can be changed?

And if you play any semantic tricks to count that as my question, I will crush you into a bloody gnome-shaped smear.

[Waving his hand dismissively] There must be a magic bed spring somewhere in the Nexus; once you find the door, the rest will be easy as long as you don't get any on you.

[Humfrey draws himself up slightly, affecting indignation.]

I am the Magician of Information; my Answers hold ultimate authority. Whether you can understand the Answer's application is not my concern.

[Though it is, in a way. He takes pride in answering questions in such a way as to give the inquirer the most satisfaction...eventually. Sometimes it is best to have, say, a Nymph and an Ogre travel together and let themselves come to the conclusion that they should marry. Ah, the paradox of prophecy!]

I can give you your Answer.

A bed spring...with a potion...good god man, that is a terrible pun.

I'll be back soon. If you leave, I'll hunt you down.

[He goes into the Nexus and begins opening doors, holding an image in his mind of what he needs.]

[he mutters as he looks into each room]

Soap bubbles...furniture made of watermelon rinds...kitchen supplies...a busy street....ducks...

[Then he opens a door into a glade with a pond. The water looks odd, too blue. Liquid approaches carefully.]

Now, what do you do?

[There has to be a way to test it, and to retrieve it if it's the right thing...The old man said not to let it touch him, and it seems prudent to take care.]

[Leaving the door open and memorizing the way, Liquid goes and fetches a few things.]

[He comes back to the glade with an indignant duck tucked under his arm.]

Be quiet, you. This won't hurt a bit.

[He holds the struggling fowl from behind and delicately lowers it so that its beak touches the pool. Instantly, it droops and is still. Liquid lifts it to check. Still breathing, but in a deep sleep.]

[He smiles.] Perfect.

[He sets the duck down on the grassy shore and brings out the items he's retrieved from the kitchen supply room: a pair of tongs and a small Tupperware container.]

[He takes the lid off the container and, using the tongs, dips it into the spring. It fills with deep blue liquid. He lifts it out and carefully shakes off any lingering drops on the outside, then lids it.]

[He allows himself a smile of satisfaction as he gets up to make his way back.] There. That should buy me an answer, old man.

[Pleased, Humfrey goes from looking grumpy to merely disgruntled. ~~Good thing Liquid hadn't used a pair'a'ducks to test the water - that sort of thing could have been disastrous.~~]

Very good.

[He carefully takes the vial, labels it, and stores it away on a shelf before returning to his gigantic book. He flips through the pages until he finds what he needs.]

Your fate has already been changed due to the nature of paradox.

[Liquid is rather proud of his efforts.]

[Oh, fine, just take all his work with dangerous magical...things...for granted. He's used to that from old bastards.]

[But it will be worth it for his answer.]

What?

What is that supposed to mean?

[If the Good Magician had a nicklepede for every time he heard that, then the castle would be infested.]

Is that another Question?

I've searched half of an infinite building, I'm covered in duck bites, and it will take hours to get all of the feathers out of my hair. An answer that makes no sense is no answer at all!

[Huffily] My Answers always make sense. If you would put some thought into interpreting it rather than throwing a fit, perhaps you'd understand it better.

[Humphrey knows that for delicate questions such as this, it is better to allow the questioner to answer his or her own question, in a sense. He or she would not be satisfied with a yes or no Answer, even if that was what the Answer was.]

[Suddenly, there is a quacking and flapping of wings at the door. Humfrey gestures and the door swing open to reveal an annoyed duck, who waddles in and addresses the Magician with a series of outrages honks and quacks.]

[Mildly, to the waterfoul] If you're requesting my assistance, you shouldn't use such fowl language.

[Liquid tries to think about it rationally, though the urge to squash the irritating little man makes it difficult.]

Can you tell me what you mean by 'paradox', then? It's a very general word. The paradox of coming here, of knowing my future, of existing in the first place as an imperfect clone...

[pointing at the duck] Don't listen to it. I didn't harm a feather on its body, and only a quack would say differently.

There are no simplistic Answers to a complex problem. It is similar to the problem with prophecy; I myself have once fallen victim to the dratted thing.

[The old man talks absently as he yet again fetches a bottle from a shelf. After a brief search of his desk, he recovers a fresh eye dropper and squeezes the eyes out of it, leaving it ready to be filled with a small amount of the new potion. After doing so, he hands the now eyeless dropper to the duck, who takes it cautiously in her beak.]

There you are. Your brother will wake up if you give him this. I won't charge this time, since he was merely the victim of incidental mischief.

[musing to himself] My fate has already changed...yes, I think that is a good sign. It could mean that my future of dying in the snow is not set in stone.

No hard feelings, duck. He's only down for a nap.

[The duck accepts the vial and the apology with bad grace and waddles out the door, presumably to wake up her enchanted sibling.]

[Humphrey meanwhile, returns to his place at his book] In my business, I have found that knowing the answers to some problems will only bring about bigger and more dangerous ones. Some answers are even capable of nullifying themselves if they are revealed at the wrong time.

Therefore, it is often best to give the client an Answer that requires some degree of misinterpretation.

[In a better mood than it would seem. Some hope for his future is better than none. He'd almost forgotten what it's like not to be doomed. If he ever knew.]

You mean to say you're an inscrutable prat on purpose.

[He moves some papers and what appears to be a stuffed owl off of an armchair and sits down.]

[...]

Do you happen to be related to Vulcan Raven?

It's in my nature.

[The bespectacled man raises an eyebrow but says nothing. It's unusual for people to want to stay in his company after getting their answer; perhaps he was becoming soft in his old age.]

There is the vaguest notion of a chance. Xanth and Mundania meet up at different points in time; it is theoretically possible that some relative of his was part of the Waves.

Nearly impossible to discover, though. One would think not, considering our differences in stature.

[snorts] You're the one who just told me my nature could be overcome.

[Liquid's friendly that way. Also he wants to see what other information he can get from the man. Or to find out how reliable his information is. He could easily be telling him only what he wanted to hear.]

[He is almost immediately distracted.] Where and where meet?

Waves? [The Inuit do have significant ties to the ocean. Liquid groans.] Tell me you're not speaking in metaphors.

Your nature is to be dramatic and theatrical.

[Liquid's are notoriously easily distracted by such oddities. Humfrey is mentally counting down the time to when this one decides to explore more of the magical items in the office.]

Xanth and Mundania. I am from the land of Xanth, which is magical. The rest of the world has no such magic and is referred to as Mundania. I know you Mundanes have your own names for whatever bits and pieces of land you've carved out, but it's all drearily mundane to us.

Hardly. On occasion, the borders of Xanth and Mundania with meet up, allowing a wave of Mundane invaders into the land. Usually the brutish folk rape and pillage the countryside for a few years before settling down into villages. It's a mixed blessing.

[surprised] How did you know?

By "magic" you mean a sufficiently advanced technology.

[At least it's not a metaphor.]

Yes, that could be useful... [already making an invasion plan.]

I am the Magician of Information.

By "magic" I mean Magic. Xanth is a land where magic exists and puns are literal. Anyone native to it has one magic talent unique to that individual, however small. Such talents can range from changing the colors of white popcorn to transforming living creatures.

[Yeah, he knows what Liquid's probably thinking.] Nowadays we get new human blood through a more civilized method of immigration, of course. It's been a few decades since the last invasion nearly wiped out our civilization and we are much better prepared for defense.

You claim to know everything, then?

I don't see what puns have to do with anything.

It sounds like a ludicrous place.

Not everything. [He demurs and taps the open book in front of him] But I'm working on it.

We find it to be much more interesting than drear Mundania.

[Humfrey grumbles and clears his throat before turning to dig through another pile of knickknacks. After a moment, he brings out an ornate box labeled TEAS.]

There are some teacup roses in the cupboard to your right. Fetch me two ready ones.

[The cupboard will reveal a small plant with several delicate teacups growing in the place of the blossoms.]

Information is an effective weapon.

[Liquid will judge your world on the quality of your teas, and god help you if you are found lacking.]

[He has no idea what the gnome is talking about until he opens the cupboard and finds exactly what he described.]

Your world is ridiculous, you know that.

[Even as he picks two cups that look fully-formed.]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

Probably getting things wrong, haven't read any Xanth in forever

Liquid Snake supports the animal testing of pro-duck-ts 8D /shot

*ded of pun*

Was it too pun-gent?

*sobs*

I apologize; it was pretty unpunny

*curls into a little ball*

Is it thyme for me to stop?

He is a seasoned veteran...OH GOD IT'S CATCHING

Behold, my evil scheme!

So evil.

Dastardly, even

Or bastardly.

Positively crewel

Save meeeee

/Evil chuckle

no subject

no subject

no subject

ded of pun

sobs

curls into a little ball