Because I don't have enough to do already

[jackassjohn.livejournal.com]

[The Nexus loudspeakers catch a broadcast as yet another familiar new figure appears in the nexus.]

BIG BOSS HERE.
ENEMY UNIFORMS?
ARE THEY CUTE LITTLE
SAILOR SUITS?
OVER.

[Big Boss chuckles to himself as he ends the call and leans back in his swivel chair. The clone was fun to mess with. This was as easy as watching his hamsters patrol.]

[((Big Boss is chillin' in his office. By the time you respond to him, he'll know about the nexus already. This is intended to be a joke-type Asshole!Big Boss only. Or until I get bored one day and make him deal with drama.))]

Comments

[neurotic-insect.livejournal.com]

[Como se what now?]

What the hell? [Staring at the ceiling, wondering if he's being screwed with today.]

[jackassjohn.livejournal.com]

BIG BOSS HE- Wait, you're not Snake. [Only Snakes get the capslock radio messages.]

What do you want, Twiggy?

[neurotic-insect.livejournal.com]

[Eye twitch. How dare you mock his negative body mass index!]

I was walking around. What's this about enemies in sailor suits?

[jackassjohn.livejournal.com]

[He dares very easily! He's the goddamn Big Boss.]

Enemies can wear all sorts of disguises; you can't trust anyone.

[neurotic-insect.livejournal.com]

[Then he has met his match in stubbornness. :V]

You must be the Big Boss who acted strangely all the time. I've heard it told that you were quite paranoid and insane. Poisonous hamsters?

[jackassjohn.livejournal.com]

Greatest security measure I've ever created; No one suspects the hamsters!

The squeaking sand is pure genius, too.

[neurotic-insect.livejournal.com]

Of course it is. [Sarcasm is a great weapon too, when handled efficiently.]

I find it hard to believe that the common hamster could be so deadly. Are you sure it's wise to let a creature so inclined to multiply in spades be equipped with a poison?

[jackassjohn.livejournal.com]

[He doesn't seem to recognize the sarcasm.]

It's not common; it's a deadly poisonous Zanzibar hamster! It's still in development right now, but soon I'll have hundreds of them trained for combat.

[neurotic-insect.livejournal.com]

[Trained for combat? No wonder they wanted to put the old man out of his misery.]

And if they decide to turn on you?

[jackassjohn.livejournal.com]

Animals are more loyal than people. My hamsters are like my children.

[The ones he doesn't want dead, anyway.]

[neurotic-insect.livejournal.com]

I didn't know you had children.

[Dimitri may be playing with his mind just to be mean.]

[jackassjohn.livejournal.com]

Of course I do! What are you, stupid?

I've got Frank and the rest of the war orphans.

[neurotic-insect.livejournal.com]

Never heard of Frank. [His fingers twitched idly at his sides.]

I know of David and James. And a third one I've yet to meet. George, I think. I can't quite recall what name they gave him...

[jackassjohn.livejournal.com]

He's a good kid. Best soldier I have.

Thing One and Thing Two I recognize. Don't have a clue about any third project.

[neurotic-insect.livejournal.com]

[Apologies to the clones, but those nicknames were funny.]

I've heard on and off that they don't exactly appreciate how you rejected them so flatly. Not that I blame you for not wanting to be a part of their lives, but they both call you "father".

[jackassjohn.livejournal.com]

[Jovially] You can guess what I call them!

Welp, they'll be dead soon enough, so it hardly matters. Outer Heaven on its way up!

[neurotic-insect.livejournal.com]

Well, I'll be damned and roasting on brimstone. There's a father in this world worse than the one I got saddled with. [His tone was as playful and his words sincere.]

Well, I've got some talent with precognition, and I'm willing to bet that at least one of your boys is going to get involved and try to whup. your. ass.

[jackassjohn.livejournal.com]

Try being the operative word.

[His countenance suddenly shifts. Suddenly, he sounds and looks like the inconceivably brilliant strategist the papers make him out to be. The madness still glitters in his eye though, and his mind is as dark as a thunderstorm.]

I've been the father to plenty of children, the kids who are abandoned and orphaned by war, I've given them a place to stay and a purpose.

But those science projects of Zero's aren't my kids.

[neurotic-insect.livejournal.com]

Then what are they? Surely, you can admit they are human. They grew in a womb, and presumably craved as much love and attention as any other child.

Obviously, you don't appreciate how they came about, but there is no honor or reason in demonizing two little boys simply because they were born. 'Tis more sensible to punish those who brought them into the world.

1/2

[jackassjohn.livejournal.com]

Like Hell they're human. Dogs grow in the womb, too.

[A cruel look]

Oh, they'll pay, too. Make no mistake about that.

2/2

[jackassjohn.livejournal.com]

[And just as suddenly, the seriousness is seemingly gone.]

I've got a kick-ass nuclear tank with legs!

Re: 2/2

[neurotic-insect.livejournal.com]

[This kind of behavior wasn't unique to Big Boss. Dimitri had seen it in countless criminals who had a form of emotional or mental detachment. This man has truly lost it.]

You could set the world on fire.

[jackassjohn.livejournal.com]

And I've got the marshmallows.

[neurotic-insect.livejournal.com]

[...]

[Dimitri was going to waaaaaaaaaaaaalk away now.] Have fun, then.

[jackassjohn.livejournal.com]

And the graham crackers.

And those tasty chocolate squares!