fissionmailed | //what purpose am i to fulfill

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liquidouroboros

//what purpose am i to fulfill

[There was no reason for him to be so attracted to that one certain door--it just seemed irresistible. As if he would never be able to get by without knowing what was past it. Despite realizing the ones that seemed the best would inevitably just be luring in victims, the uniformed soldier stepped closer. His hand rested on the doorknob for a moment, all logic screaming that he should turn away and forget it...but impulse won out in the end as it so often did when Liquid was involved.]

[And once he walked in, Liquid found himself playing out an unfamiliar scenario.]

Damn.

[Liquid scowled, slamming another clip of ammunition into his Beretta before pulling a USP from its holster with his other hand. How many soldiers could one offshore facility possibly hold?! The hallway was flooded with Gurlukovich soldiers at both ends, being held off by nothing more than Liquid's skill with a handgun. Or two, in this case.]

We're in trouble. [At his side, Otacon muttered those words in a nervous tone--laptop held to his chest like it was his lifeline.]

Not until I say we are. Stop talking and stay close.

[This was not good. Even if Liquid didn't have to worry about keeping Otacon out of the direct line of fire, this would be difficult. Of course he could handle these soldiers...but he was running out of ammunition, and fast.]

[Before he could think of any alternative to standing and fighting, there was the click of a pin being pulled and the clattering sound of a grenade dropping at their feet.]

[He didn't even have time to take note of Otacon's startled gasp. Liquid's foot struck the grenade with full force--it was halfway back in the direction it came from when it went off, sending smoke and debris in every direction.]

[That was when he started firing at everything in a balaclava, silently hoping they'd run out of reinforcements before he ran out of bullets. Otacon was close, thankfully--close enough that Liquid felt the engineer trembling. Any other fight, the soldier might have been throwing confident taunts to his enemy and grinning coldly at the sudden bloodlust that overtook him in combat...not today. Today he was outnumbered and definitely outgunned.]

[The Beretta ran out of ammunition first, and once Liquid holstered it he came up with a grenade of his own in one swift motion--pulling the pin with his teeth, he threw it in one direction and emptied the USP in the other.]

[Liquid turned, last of his bullets directed at the few standing soldiers he could see. There was another explosion and cloud of smoke behind him, shaking the entire hallway--then silence. The realization that they'd survived rushed through Liquid much like the adrenaline of a combat high, and a quiet, relieved laugh escaped him.]

I told you, Otacon. I'm the perfect soldi--

[In his arrogance, he'd made an amateur mistake--he'd turned his back before confirming the grenade had killed everyone. Liquid's confident assurance was interrupted by the sound of two shots followed by a choked gasp of pain.]

[His M4 was out in a second--it was the only gun he had with any ammunition left--and fired in the direction the shots had come from The three remaining soldiers--already injured by Liquid's grenade--fell all too easily. But surely he'd heard wrong, surely neither of them were injured, oh god was that Otacon slumped against a wall and bleeding]

Otacon--?! [Liquid dropped the rifle, immediately dropping to his knees next to the engineer and rummaging through his inventory for something, anything that would stop the bleeding. There were clear bullet wounds in his chest and shoulder, but he wasn't...he couldn't have...]

[...why wasn't he answering?]

...Hal? [Liquid cautiously put an arm around Otacon's shoulders and pulled him closer, other hand checking for a pulse--nothing. There was blood soaking his labcoat and Liquid's uniform...and he didn't have a pulse.]

[Welcome to your nightmares/worst fears. No, really. No matter what it might be, this room is where you'll live through it. Other people can see what you're experiencing as well, so have fun with that.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[His fingers skilfully knead tense muscles while he leans to press his lips lightly over the still visible marks he'd left on Jack's neck during their night together.]

[The gesture calms him a little more, and he reaches a hand up to brush his fingers through a few strands of loose hair.]

Dunno what I'd do without you.

[He has a slight smile on his face; it meant a lot to him that he didn't have to be alone with his thoughts right now.]

Fortunate you don't have to think about it, hm?

[He's glad he can be a positive distraction, and keeps up the massage, wanting to continue to do so. It makes him feel useful, knowing that he can provide him with an emotional crutch as well as physical pleasure.]

Is that a promise?

[Normally, he knew better than to promise things and expect them in return. But... he really wouldn't know what to do with himself if he lost Adrian.]

[He nods, hands massaging down to his lower back now as he leaves a light kiss on Jack's hair.]

As long as I'm in this building, I promise I won't abandon you.

[He nods, leaning back to kiss him lightly on the lips in return.]

I promise the same.

[Returning the kiss, he stops the massage all together in favor of slipping his arms around Jack's waist from behind.]

That means a lot to me~

[He likes the idea of security. It's comforting.]

[He leans back against him with a small smile, his hands over Vamp's.]

Your alternate looked pretty happy. Have you ever thought about settling down?

[...Err]

Uh, not necessarily with anyone in particular. Just... in general.

...He did.

[He frowns, placing his chin back on Jack's shoulder at that question.]

Settle down? You mean get married, have a family?

[There's a long pause.] ...I've thought about it, but I don't know how to make somebody happy that way. I barely remember my own parents... and now knowing that I won't be around very much longer...

[He trails off, clearly unsure how to put this all into words.]

Not necessarily getting married or having a family. Just... being in a meaningful relationship with someone you care for.

[He reaches a hand up to stroke through Vamp's hair.]

For all I know, I could have died the day after Rose came back to me. It's not about how much time we have left, it's about what we do with it.

Hm.

[He closes his eyes, unable to stop a small smile from returning when Jack pets his hair.]

Being with only one person, you mean?

Yeah. Having something just the two of you can share.

[He smiles a little at the thought. It was a nice thought.]

With the right person... it provides comfort and stability.

I suppose it sounds nice.

[Nothing he's really experienced before, however. He doesn't know if he could do that at this point, not with everything he's gotten himself into.]

But I don't know if it's possible for me.

Of course it's possible for you. It was possible for the other two versions of you I've met, it's possible for you.

[He looks back at him, running a finger along Vamp's jawline lightly.]

Don't deny yourself happiness if you can find it, Adrian.

The circumstances are different...

[The others weren't with Scott when they arrived here, and now he'd brought Snake into this as well. He hadn't intended anything to go so far, but apparently sleeping with the same person several times will do that.]

I'd hurt people I care about if I chose that path. They'd despise me.

[He sighs a little, leaning further against him.]

If they'd despise you for finding happiness, are they really worth your affections?

[Really, he didn't like to think Vamp didn't want to be happy incase people hated him for it.]

When you care about someone, you'll let them do as they wish... if that means they'll be happiest. Even if it hurts.

[His expression falls for a moment; he knew how it felt to watch the one he loved with another man. The entire time he had thought Rose was with Campbell... he pretended he didn't care, but he had thought about it every day. Now, he was resigned to the fact she was no longer his- but he didn't hate her. He could never hate her.]

[He leans back against Jack, looking down at his lap.]

I do care about them. I've been with Scott for a few years now... he sees me as his. And I do love him... I just know that he can never be mine.

[And even if he hadn't said anything, the man's easy willingness to accept Snake into their "thing" made him wonder. That hadn't been his idea, but when Snake had gone to live with Scott, it just seemed to happen.]

Still, how could I leave him behind for good?

[He frowns. Before, the fact that Vamp was chasing after a married man hadn't been much of a concern. After all, they hadn't really been close at that point. Now, it just makes him angry for Vamp. And angry at Dolph, for leading him on.]

Adrian. I want you to realize something. No matter how much you love him, that man has a wife. A family. He may go behind her back for you, but what's to say he wouldn't go behind your back for someone else? People like that... don't tend to change. If you ultimately decide you want to continue seeing him, that isn't my business. But as a friend, I don't like to watch him lead you on like this.

[He moves his hand to brush over Vamp's cheek, looking him in the eyes.]

You mean a lot to me now. I don't like to see you hurt. I won't make your decisions for you, and if it's Dolph you want I can't stop you. But there's no good ending waiting for you with him. You deserve better, Adrian.

[He does his best not to meet Jack's eyes, not really sure how to react to this conversation. It's not one he's ever had... no one ever encouraged him to seek his own happiness or even really worried about it at all. And no one's definitely ever thought he deserved better.]

Why do I deserve better? I have far more than I would have ever expected. Perhaps you don't really know the worst of me if you believe something like that.

[He sees Vamp isn't catching his eyes, and he brings a hand up to brush over his cheek reassuringly.]

You're not a bad person. You deserve to have a chance at something stable and secure.

[He moves Vamp's face so he's looking at Jack.]

If you truly believe it's our pasts that determine who we are, then I'm a monster who doesn't deserve the bed he sleeps in. Let alone your friendship.

[He can't look away as much as he'd like with the way Jack is holding his face, but his eyes do their best to look elsewhere.]

It isn't just my past, but my present as well. None of it is behind me as I'd hoped it was.

[He does grab Jack's hand at those last words, however.]

If anybody deserves happiness, it is you.

Adrian, I'm not as good as I try to be.

[He looks rather downcast as he says this, leaning in so his forehead is touching Vamp's.]

The truth is... I enjoy the killing. I always have. I always will. I wish I didn't. I wish I could look at a mortally wounded man and feel sorry for him. I wish I could feel remorse or regret. But I don't. I see men die, and... I don't feel anything for them. Nothing. The only time I ever feel truly... alive... is when I'm slaughtering people.

[It's his turn to look away, though not because he's afraid of what he'll see. It's just something he barely admits to anyone; the fact that really, he's enjoying all the killing.]

For that, I don't deserve happiness.

[Whatever the reaction Jack expected, he probably wasn't planning on getting a chuckle out of Vamp. It isn't that he finds Jack's words funny, but...]

If you believe you don't deserve happiness for that reason, then neither of us do. It seems that we are one in the same.

[He reaches a hand up to stroke through his hair, smiling slightly.]

We are both the scum of the earth. Perhaps we deserve one another.

[He laughs quietly too, though it's distinctly lacking in humour.]

Perhaps we do.

[He moves a hand from Vamp's cheek to his shoulder, the other one smoothing lightly over his other cheek.]

I'd try... with you. If... if you wanted to. I understand if you don't... or if it isn't even me you want. But I'd... like it. If maybe we could try...

[He can feel his face heating up, but he really has become attached to Vamp now. He thinks he knows what their alternates saw in each other. He isn't expecting a straight answer... or even an answer at all. If anything, he expects Vamp would rather be with Dolph or Snake. But if Vamp turned him down now... well, at least he wouldn't lose sleep over 'what if's.]

And if it's someone else you want... I'll respect that.

[Maybe he should have expected that response... despite remembering how Jack had reacted back when that one room had made him ask the same thing. Things had changed a lot since then.]

I... Jack...

[He covers his face with a hand, all sorts of conflicting thoughts passing through his mind. It might be nice to just forget everything else and say yes, but he couldn't do that. It would be far too irresponsible.]

If I tried this, I'd have to explain it to Scott and David first. I don't think I have the strength to do that.

[Though Scott is his main worry. He can't face the disappointment, hurt and anger he'd likely be subjected to should he discuss this with him. He's still sure he'd lose both of them entirely.]

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